Summary
- Learn how to have an honest, caring conversation with your children about divorce that fits their age and emotional needs.
- Discover what to say — and what not to say — so your kids feel safe, loved, and reassured during a difficult transition.
- Find out how Regele Law, LLC in Salem, Oregon supports families through every step of the divorce process with compassion and care.
Table of Contents
- When is the right time to tell your kids about the divorce?
- What should we actually say when we sit down with our kids?
- How do we talk to kids of different ages about divorce?
- What should we never say to our kids during this conversation?
- How do kids typically react, and how do we handle those reactions?
- How do we keep supporting our kids after that first conversation?
- When should we get professional help for our child?
- How can a family law attorney help our family through this transition?
- Frequently Asked Questions
Telling your children that you and your spouse are getting a divorce is one of the hardest conversations any parent can face. You want to be honest, but you also want to protect them. You want to stay calm, but your own heart is probably breaking too.
The good news is that how you handle this conversation can make a real difference in how your children adjust over time. Research consistently shows that children do better after divorce when parents communicate openly, stay child-focused, and keep conflict away from the kids.
This guide is written for Salem, Oregon parents who want practical, compassionate advice on how to talk to their children — no matter how old they are.
When is the right time to tell your kids about the divorce?
Tell your children soon after you and your spouse have made a firm decision — ideally one to two weeks before any major changes happen, like one parent moving out. Kids are perceptive. They notice tension, whispered conversations, and changes in routine, and silence can actually make their anxiety worse.
Choose a calm, unhurried time — like a weekend morning, not right before school or bedtime. Make sure both parents are present if at all possible. A united front sends a powerful message: even though the marriage is ending, you are both still their parents.
Avoid telling them during holidays, birthdays, or other special events. You want to protect those memories as much as you can.
What should we actually say when we sit down with our kids?
Keep it simple, clear, and honest — your children need to understand what is happening without being overwhelmed by adult details. A straightforward opening might sound like: “We have something important to tell you. Mom and Dad have decided we are going to live in separate homes. This is called a divorce.”
Follow up immediately with the most important message they need to hear: “This is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this. We both love you very much, and that will never change.” According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children — especially younger ones — often assume they are somehow to blame for family problems, so saying this clearly and more than once matters enormously.
Keep your explanation age-appropriate (more on that below), and be ready to answer questions honestly. It is okay to say, “I don’t know the answer to that yet, but we will figure it out and tell you as soon as we do.”
How do we talk to kids of different ages about divorce?
Children understand the world differently depending on their age, so the same conversation will not work for a five-year-old and a fifteen-year-old. Tailoring what you say to where your child is developmentally is one of the most caring things you can do.
Toddlers and preschoolers (ages 2–5): Young children need very concrete, simple language. Say something like, “Mommy and Daddy are not going to live together anymore, but we both still love you and will always take care of you.” Focus on their daily routine — where they will sleep, who will pick them up, where their toys will be. Stability in routine is everything at this age.
Early elementary (ages 6–8): Kids this age understand more but may worry a lot about practical details and often feel responsible. Reassure them directly that they are not to blame. Explain the basic plan for living arrangements and school in simple terms. Expect questions like, “Will I still see Grandma?” or “Can I still play soccer?”
Older elementary (ages 9–12): Children at this stage may feel anger, sadness, or even embarrassment. They may try to take sides or feel loyal to one parent. Be careful not to lean on them emotionally or share too many adult details. Validate their feelings and let them know it is okay to love both parents.
Teenagers (ages 13–18): Teens may react with anger, withdrawal, or even apparent indifference. They need honesty but not oversharing. Avoid making them your confidant or asking them to take sides. Give them space while keeping the door open for conversation. Teens do better when they feel heard and when their concerns about the future — school, friendships, activities — are taken seriously.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway, a resource of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, offers excellent guidance on supporting children through family transitions at every developmental stage. You can find those resources at childwelfare.gov.
What should we never say to our kids during this conversation?
There are some things that feel natural to say in a painful moment but can seriously hurt your children. Avoiding these pitfalls is just as important as knowing the right words to use.
Never blame the other parent. Even if your spouse’s actions are the reason for the divorce, your children need to maintain a healthy relationship with both of you. Putting the other parent down — even subtly — puts children in the middle and causes lasting emotional harm. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that parental conflict is one of the strongest predictors of poor adjustment in children of divorce.
Never ask your child to keep secrets or deliver messages. This turns them into a messenger and forces them to navigate adult conflict — something no child should ever have to do.
Never say “everything will be exactly the same.” Things will change. Children sense when adults are not being truthful, and false promises erode trust. Instead, focus on what will stay the same: your love, their school, their activities, and your commitment to their well-being.
Never discuss finances, legal proceedings, or adult grievances. Children do not need to know who filed first, what property is being divided, or how much child support is at issue. Keep adult business between adults. If you are working through the legal side of things and want to understand your options, our guide to cooperative divorce in Oregon explains how some families choose a lower-conflict process that can be easier on children.
How do kids typically react, and how do we handle those reactions?
Every child is different, but there are common emotional responses you can expect — and prepare for. Knowing what is normal helps you respond with patience instead of alarm.
Sadness and crying are very common, especially at first. Let your child cry. Hold them if they want to be held. Do not rush to fix the feeling — just be present.
Anger is also normal, especially in older children. They may direct that anger at you, at their other parent, or at both of you. Try not to take it personally. Acknowledge it: “It makes sense that you’re angry. This is hard, and your feelings are okay.”
Denial or seeming unfazed can happen, particularly with teenagers who need time to process. Check in regularly without pressuring them to open up on your timeline.
Regression — where younger children revert to behaviors they had outgrown, like bedwetting or thumb-sucking — is a normal stress response. Be patient and do not shame them for it.
Give your children permission to have complicated feelings. The University of Missouri Extension’s research-backed parenting resources note that children who are allowed to express their emotions in a safe environment tend to adjust to family transitions more successfully over time. You can explore those resources at extension.missouri.edu.
How do we keep supporting our kids after that first conversation?
The first conversation is just the beginning. Children process big changes over time, not all at once. Your ongoing support matters far more than getting any single conversation perfect.
Keep routines as consistent as possible. Children find security in predictability. Even simple things — dinner at the same time, the same bedtime routine — signal that their world is still stable.
Check in regularly without making divorce the only topic you ever talk about. A simple “How are you feeling about things lately?” keeps the door open. And continue doing normal family activities together when appropriate — game nights, outings, shared meals.
Stay connected with your child’s school. Teachers and counselors often notice changes in behavior or mood before parents do. Letting the school know about the family transition (without oversharing) means your child has support in place during school hours too.
Also think ahead about parenting time. How your custody arrangement is structured has a real impact on your children’s day-to-day stability. Our article on child custody basics every parent should know is a helpful starting point for understanding your options in Oregon.
When should we get professional help for our child?
Some children need more support than parents alone can provide — and that is completely okay. Seeking help is a sign of good parenting, not failure.
Consider reaching out to a child therapist or counselor if your child shows any of the following for more than a few weeks: persistent sadness or withdrawal, declining grades, loss of interest in friends and activities, sleep problems, or statements about hopelessness. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides clear guidance on finding mental health support for children at aacap.org.
Play therapy can be especially effective for younger children who do not yet have the words to express what they are feeling. Family therapy that includes both parents — even post-divorce — can also help children feel that the adults in their life are cooperating for their benefit.
Oregon’s court system also has resources. The Oregon Judicial Department provides information about family court services that may include mediation and parenting coordination at courts.oregon.gov.
How can a family law attorney help our family through this transition?
Having the right legal support in place reduces stress on you — which directly reduces stress on your children. When you are not overwhelmed by uncertainty about your legal situation, you have more emotional bandwidth to be present for your kids.
At Regele Law, LLC in Salem, Oregon, attorney Stacy Regele has dedicated her entire practice to family law. She understands that behind every case is a real family — with children who need stability and parents who are doing their best in a hard situation. Stacy is a member of both the American Bar Association and the Marion County Bar Association, and she has been recognized as a Rising Stars honoree, reflecting her commitment to her clients and her community.
Regele Law works with a wide range of families — including LGBTQ families, fathers establishing paternity and fighting for custody, and grandparents seeking visitation rights. Whether your situation calls for a cooperative, out-of-court resolution or courtroom advocacy, Stacy is prepared to stand by your side. You can learn more about the firm’s approach to child custody matters by reading our overview of custody basics for Oregon parents.
The goal at Regele Law is not just to get through the divorce — it is to help your family land in a better place on the other side. If you are ready to talk through your options, reach out at regelelaw.com/contact.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should both parents be present when we tell the kids about the divorce?
Yes, whenever possible. Having both parents present sends a reassuring message that you are still a team when it comes to your children. It also reduces the chance of one parent being blindsided and prevents children from receiving conflicting information. If being in the same room is not safe or realistic, coordinate what you will each say so the messaging is consistent.
What if my child asks why we are getting divorced?
Keep your answer honest but simple. You do not need to explain every detail. Something like, “Sometimes grown-ups realize they work better as a family when they live separately, even if they still love their kids very much” is often enough. Avoid placing blame on either parent. If your child is older and pushes for more, you can acknowledge that there were problems between you as adults while still keeping the explanation free of blame.
Is it okay to cry in front of my children during this conversation?
A little visible emotion is actually okay — it shows your children that feelings are normal and that you are human. However, try not to be so overwhelmed that your child feels they need to comfort you. If you are worried about keeping your composure, practice what you want to say beforehand. It also helps to have the other parent present so you can support each other.
My child hasn’t said anything since we told them. Should I be worried?
Not necessarily — children process information at their own pace. Some kids need time before they are ready to talk. Keep checking in gently, maintain your normal routine, and let them know the door is always open. If weeks go by and you notice behavior changes like withdrawal, aggression, or declining grades, consider speaking with a school counselor or child therapist.
How do we handle it if one parent says things to the kids that the other disagrees with?
This is a real challenge, and it comes up often. If one parent is sharing inappropriate information, undermining the other parent, or putting children in the middle, it may be necessary to address it through your parenting plan or with legal help. At Regele Law, LLC, attorney Stacy Regele can help Salem parents establish clear co-parenting agreements that protect children from adult conflict. Contact the firm at regelelaw.com/contact for a consultation.
What age is hardest for children when parents divorce?
Research suggests that children in early adolescence (ages 10–14) often have a particularly hard time because they are already navigating emotional and social changes. However, divorce can be difficult at any age. What matters most is not the age of the child but the level of conflict they are exposed to and the quality of support they receive from both parents. Children of all ages do better when their parents cooperate and keep them out of adult conflict.
Disclaimer: This blog post is intended for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Reading this content does not create an attorney-client relationship. Every family’s situation is unique, and the legal process can vary significantly depending on the specific facts of your case. If you have questions about your rights or your children’s well-being in the context of a divorce or custody matter in Oregon, please consult a qualified family law attorney. Regele Law, LLC is licensed to practice law in the State of Oregon only.